I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
