then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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