Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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