theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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