He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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