final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
