i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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