the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
