im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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