i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
