It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
