My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
