What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
