If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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