I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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