put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
