were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
