I skipped work to stalk him.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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