it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
