this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
