I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
