Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
