watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
