I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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