The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
