I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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