Your face is a jimmy john
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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