she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
