what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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