Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
