No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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