My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
