first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
