My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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