Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
