It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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