I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
