My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
