the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
