she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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