You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
