i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
When are your genitals available?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
