3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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