we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
