Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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