I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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