Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
