Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
