i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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