escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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