I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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