I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just invented taco cereal.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
