i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You ruined the universe
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
