Im at strip club and am horny
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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