Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
