its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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