And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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