see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
