My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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