I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize