Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
